The other day I wrote a post about an email I sent out to a certain domestic abuse program about someone close to me needing help. It’s not on this blog… and soon won’t be on my other blog(s) either. For safety reasons it will be removed.

But the situation brought back to the fore domestic issues I faced some ten years ago. It also raised the question: When someone leaves a violent and/or abusive relationship, it is possible to ever really be over it? Can you really get away from domestic abuse and stay away from it? The legacy passed on from Mother to Daughter, or maybe it’s better to say from Mother to Child; is it one that can someday reach the point that you know you are safe? I mean REALLY know you’re safe — really feel it deep down inside, not just know it from a logical, reasonable perspective.

What must one do in order to attain that level of safety?

This has brought up so many other questions too. I think I’ll surf around for some websites on the matter. If you know of any, would you mind posting them in your comments? I would greatly appreciate it. I’m still fairly new at blogging and haven’t quite figured out all the methods to getting what I want within my post. Soon I hope to be able to add some links of my own on this subject.

I would really just like to hear from as many other moms as possible. Doesn’t even matter if you are homeschooling now or not – at least I don’t think so.

Would your mom, or any other significant relative, disown you (as in remove you from their will, refuse to take your calls, and when no choice but to speak to you say “I’ve got nothing to say to you!”, etc) because you are homeschooling their grandchild?

Do you need more of the story? Back in November my mom learned that we are homeschooling my niece. Mom lives nearly 2000 miles from us. Back in 2004 she sent my sister (five yrs younger than me) and her almost 3yo dd up here to live with me because she (mom) “could no longer deal with her” (mom’s exact words). My sister has some severe learning disabilities and makes some really poor choices in everyday life – she needs a lot of guidance and support for some of the simplest things. To make this as short as possible – they now live with me and sis & I expect that arrangement will last for many years yet.

My niece, Delle, is now 6yo – but she turned 6 after the cutoff date for mandatory attendance this school year. Delle is very bright – we brought her in to the school district for testing due to some behavior and speech concerns just after she turned 3. The report from them was that she could use some help from a regular psych of some kind but not from the school yet. They suspected ADHD and/or a few other problems. We moved on to an early childhood development center that’s connected with our pcp. After several appointments for different types of testing they determined she does in fact fit the profiles for ADHD, ODD, and is very gifted (IQ of 126 and this is prior to any formal education).

We opted to put her on the waiting list for the Montessori Preschool program run by our school district. She joined that program at the age of 4; turned 5 during that school year. During that school year the teacher & staff repeatedly had problems with Delle’s behavior – more the ODD than the ADHD.

We also learned with all the testing that this kid has tons of food allergies! She’s allergic to beef, eggs, all dairy, lamb, citrus fruits, mustard, shellfish, and more but I don’t have the list in front of me. I know she can’t eat most of what’s on the regular school menus. We spent several hours back and forth with the food supervisor to get a menu set up for her. This also affects snack time in class – and combined with allergies of other classmates that left very little that all could share – but hers was the most restricted.

The behavior problems increased. Delle began acting out more at home, returned to wetting herself (3-6 accidents a day), ate less, slept poorly, and seemed depressed more often. Then she began physically attacking others at school – sometimes with provocation, sometimes not – which resulted in her being isolated from others more and more parts of each day. By the end of the school year she was spending 3 hours or more (combined time) in the isolation corner playing by herself and rarely was allowed outside to play at all.

My sister and I discussed these issues all summer… until Sis finally expressed the wish that she was smart enough to homeschool her daughter. Then I suggested I could homeschool her – even working out ways that Sis could work with her dd under my direction. We tried it a few weeks before school actually began and decided to not send her back to school – back to the Montessori program she was in. We didn’t officially switch to homeschooling as the state doesn’t even require her to be in school yet. That point will come next September (2008).

Until then, or for now, we are homeschooling her. She loves to learn! She’s reading – probably a mid-1st grade level. She’s is understanding basic math concepts; learning Spanish; knows over 50 colors (names from a box of 96 crayola crayons); knows alphabet forwards and for fun, backwards; counts easily to 100 and with small reminders up to 1000; she loves science projects. She’s also very active and can be very oppositional but we are learning to work with that. Routine, consistency, schedules, are all very important to her. Decisions for the 2008-2009 school year are being made soon – February is the month to get it done here… and Sis and I are leaning to keeping her homeschooled.

The past few weeks mom has called and talked to my sister, threatening to find a way to get her back there, move her back in to mom’s house, calling the authorities saying we’re not letting Delle go to school even tho she wants to go, threatening to file for custody of Delle, etc. Sis has been very upset over these threats but we (me, my kids, others near us here) have tried to assure her mom doesn’t have any grounds to stand on. The situation hit a high(low)point after mom’s 3rd call in the same morning – talking about the same thing – and me even talking to her again explaining how it’s not an issue. The child doesn’t even HAVE to be in school yet… and asking her stop threatening Sis as there really was no point to it. Mom didn’t call back any more that day.

The next day my niece, V – who lives with mom right now – called us to find out more about this situation as ‘grandma’s gone nutso about it’! According to V, Mom is ranting to anyone who will listen about us homeschooling Delle, and saying she’s having her will rewritten to take us all out of it – me, my kids, sis & her kids – all because we are homeschooling Delle right now – against Mom’s wishes (she firmly believes that Delle needs to be with other kids her age and the school district must just deal with all the problems a kid has).

When I tried to call Mom the next day she hung up on me; I tried a little while later and she picked up, only to tell me, “I’ve got nothing to say to you!” and promptly slammed the phone down.

And yes, I’m very aware of the district’s responsibilities here – as well as special ed concerns – IDEA, IEPs, 504s, etc, etc, etc…. all six of my kids spent years in special ed for various reasons! I also homeschooled 5 of my six kids at various times because it was what was best for that child at that time and never got this kind of reaction from mom. Plus, Mom’s repeatedly telling Sis and myself that Delle doesn’t have all these allergies (we’ve shown her the 3 pages of lab results); isn’t ADHD, or ADD even, and isn’t ODD either (we’ve also shown her those test reports) and that we are just making all this up so we can keep Delle away from others! (That is so irrational – I know)

There’s been other stuff too – like conversations we’ve had in the last several weeks that she has absolutely no memory of later; like getting upset for trivial matters (both there where she lives and here where she really can’t do anything to change things); denying various events ever happening in the past years; heightened irritations – the kind of stuff we know has bothered always her now seems to bother her even more than usual. I don’t have a good feeling about things right now but I don’t know what I can do about them either.

Mom’s an RN, who worked for a number of years as a regular school nurse, then this school year switched to a school for severely handicapped kids where she’s doing caths, and tube feedings, and lots of serious meds to give in precise ways and times… lots of stress there. When she began she did not understand why these kind of kids were even in school – what could they learn? I sent her a bunch of info for online sources to learn more about various types of disabilities and websites about kids that were doing amazing things. She began to see that even kids that can’t talk, can’t walk, can’t hardly communicate, CAN learn and find joy in doing so! But – Mom has had a number of health issues (took a year off of nursing to get some control back over some of these) recently and in November she told me they found some tumors in her meninges (outer brain area) but they are nothing to worry about – she won’t tell me the name of her neurologist… tho she’s often mentioned her pcp by name.

I’m worried.

I’m sad.

I need to talk to others who have dealt with any of these types of things.

Thanks!

It’s Sunday, January 20th, and I have so much to get done to be ready for this next week. Tomorrow is my energy assistance appointment. It’s pretty late this year – usually we have them in October but somehow I missed the notice on that and by the time October came around and I called them to ask about it the earliest appointment I could get was for nearly the end of January! Thankfully, the gas and electric companies up here cannot cut anyone off for non-payment this time of year! And it’s been so cold this season!!!

This morning I woke up to 25 below zero… not counting the windchills!!! I think windchills made it around 45-50 below! But it warmed up to about 5 degrees above before it got dark this evening! Our winter started on the early side this season. We dropped below freezing back in October, around the middle of the month I think. We had several dustings of snow and then in November got our first real measurable snowfall – but only an inch or so. A few days later it snowed for three days dumping over 2 feet of snow and ever since we get a few more inches every few days. UGH!

So far, the deepest we’ve had was about 4 feet, with drifts of 6-9 feet. But early January brought us a week or so of warmer temps – around 40s – and melted snow down to decent levels. We could even see the grass in some areas! Some were dreaming of an early Spring! Yeah, right! Spring coming in January, up here! I don’t think so!!! Winter returned… temps went down below freezing again and the snowfall returned. So much so that my kids didn’t make it to school at the end of last week… temps fell sharply and we got another foot of snow. Then we went into the ‘deep freeze’! Tomorrow we’re supposed to warm up to the teens but we’re also going to get another 3-6 inches of snow over the next 24 hours or so.

This next week will be off to a slippery start with all the snow tomorrow. Between work and school schedules and everyone’s doctor appointments it will be another hectic week. I haven’t quite figured out when I’ll have the time to get things listed on eBay. Yet, that too is a “must do” for me as it’s my only earned income. I just have to keep plugging away and getting my name out there amid the thousands (or millions?) of other sellers so I can sell enough to make enough to get me off disability. I know there are many people struggling to get on disability, people that deserve it. So I’m very grateful that I am on it. Yet, at the same time, there has to be a better way!

Disability payments from the government aren’t enough to really do much of anything. If it were just me, and I could get into a decent apartment where rent is based on so much percent of my income, and utilities were either included or discounted in some way; then maybe I would do alright. But I know the waiting lists for such places are long around here. Plus I have kids still living with me. On top of that I have my sister and niece to look after too. Finding a subsidized apartment or home with 3-4 bedrooms is nearly impossible around here. Sis is able to work part time and my kids are teenagers now so they are searching for part time jobs too. But they still have a few years of school left. I go around and around in my head with this and it still comes out that the best source of income for our family overall is one we can keep building on by our own efforts; not one based on what some employer thinks we can do or believes we are worth.

My disabilities prevent me from doing the ‘home party’ type of business. They keep me from being able to work a “regular” job – especially the jobs typically available around here. But they don’t prevent me from doing SOMETHING! Eventually I want to do something creative that I can sell. Writing a book is clearly at the top of that list. I love to paint and to sew – both require a bit more physical work, and given my disabilities THAT will be a challenge – but I’ll find a way to adapt – just like I have with my writing. My sister is fairly good at making jewelry and some other crafty stuff. So the idea floating around is some combination of us making/creating things and selling them on eBay or maybe on our own website!

It would be nice if I could put myself and my reasons for doing this into a “nutshell” but THAT’S  not going to happen! LOL

MoxeeMom is a name for me, in part coined by a very dear friend, and in part by myself.  Sixteen years ago I took on the moniker of MOSTMOM.  MOST coming from my new status of Mother Of SuperTwins and of course MOM coming from being a mom and from Mother Of Multiples.  Once those SuperTwins got to be about 4 years old I had some time to create a website.  The MOSTMOM ZONE survived a few years on geocities gaining a visitor counter over 10,000 before I closed the site.

After some time off (due to injury, domestic violence, courts, etc, and illness) I resurfaced online but felt I’d outgrown the previous moniker and was searching for a new one when a friend’s email referred to something I’d recently accomplished as having a moxie attitude.  Moxie was a word I was unfamiliar with then.  Go figure, me, a writer, one quite adept at using words uncommon to most people, just for the fun of it! LOL  So I did some research and discovered I actually loved the word – it’s meaning (from dictionary.com:  1. vigor, verve; pep. 2. courage and aggressiveness; nerve. 3. skill; know-how. [origin: 1925-30, Americanism; after Moxie, a trademark (name of a soft drink)])  - and it’s implied sense of standing up for oneself in the face of adverse circumstances. That was certainly a good description of my life, especially most recently!  But I had some slight concerns about copyrights of the term “Moxie” considering that it was a trademark and all.  So I opted to make the ending a double “e” as that was something common to my ‘nickname’ at home. (long story for another time) However I still am a Mom and a MOM (Mother Of Multiples) so I had to individualize this developing moniker even further by adding the MOM to it; then following after my previous moniker I put the mom on the end…. MOXEEMOM is the one word that comes closest to putting me into a nutshell.  So there you have it!

For more info about moxeemom you can look at my profile here, or the things that I’m interested in.  I’d list all that here in this post but you’d get bored before I’d get done! LOL  What I will do – by way of telling something about why I’m doing this is I’ll share one of my stories with you.  These are stories based on my real life (remembered as accurately as possible).  ;o) The one I’m sharing today falls into the “Funny Things About Life With Multiples” category!  I hope you enjoy it!

In a life as a mom of triplets there are times that you cannot possibly prepare for, that no advance training will equip you with the solution. My little threesome did some pretty crazy things.

When they were about 20 months old we had reached the point in time to transition from cribs to regular beds. (this in itself is worthy of a story – later)  We had tried the typical way of moving them to toddler beds but had given that up for something safer but very untraditional.  The three of them shared one room in our three bedroom house. Absolutely anything that could not fit inside the closet, which was kept locked with a bolt nearly six feet off the ground, was removed from the room except for three crib mattresses and their respective sheets.  Each child had their own special blanket.  The mattresses were lined up end to end along one wall.  This allowed for the kids to make physical contact with one another without getting off the “beds.”  There were a few decorations on the wall, including one of our emergency quilts, but nothing below four feet!

On this particular day they went down for a nap rather easily.  In hindsight, I should have known something would happen, naptime was too easy! LOL

It was so rare that naptime went so smoothly that I promptly took advantage of it!  I started up another load of laundry; the fourth one that day!  I washed all the dishes; and put them away!  I tidied up the bathroom, swept or vacuumed all the floors, and emptied all the trash baskets!  Then, with the washer and dryer doing their thing with their respective loads, I took the load of dry clothes to the living room couch, turned on the TV and began folding clothes.  Ahhh, it was so nice to get so much done!  Then it hit me!  They have ALL been asleep for two hours!  NO WAY!!! An hour and a half, maybe – once in a great while; but most naps were just over an hour long these days!

I jumped up to check on them!  Maybe most mothers don’t panic with a long nap, but I certainly wasn’t most mothers!  My first child taught me that babies and even toddlers can stop breathing and need CPR within a few minutes if they would survive.  My second child taught me that breathing wasn’t the only danger; seizures could go on too long and cause permanent brain damage and possibly death.  And heaven knows these three had already had several brushes with death.  So my panic was truly warranted.  I knew of some dangerous possibilities!

I’m praying all is well as I run to their room!

I listen at the door.  All is quiet.  Slowly I turn the doorknob. The last thing you want to do with three toddlers is awaken them! You know, ‘let sleeping dogs lie’. LOL Opening the door my breath is taken away!

They are all awake!  Three precious little tikes!  Ahh, remember when they were born… the first one, a boy, really didn’t want out and failed to breathe on his own – he sure does a lot on his own now!  The second one, a girl, screamed out loud and clear when she was born, as if to say “thank you for getting me out of there!”  The third one was our reason for delivering when we did; her sacs had ruptured and once the first two were out, her vital signs plummeted but she was stuck!  This one was literally wedged in my ribcage (no wonder my ribs hurt so much!) and to get her out took both OBs working together with the pediatrician urging them to hurry up. She was so quiet once she was born I remember thinking they didn’t get her out in time.  Such touching, heart-tugging memories!  These are what I put in my mind when faced with moments like when I opened that door! 

Yes, they were most certainly awake!  And from the looks of it, they had been awake for some time!  The sheets were off the beds, the mattresses had been dragged around the room,  and something was all over the walls, the bedding, the beds, the kids, and everything else!

Now, I know that every kid does this at some time in their early childhood so I should not have been surprised.  But honestly, nothing at all could have prepared me for this!  Toddlers are infinitely curious and quite oblivious to shame.  So from their perspective this activity was just another curiosity to explore.

As was common on many summer afternoons I had put them down for naps wearing only a diaper.  They each had their special blanket if they got to feeling cool.  They also each had a special naptime stuffed animal to cuddle as they slept.  When I opened the door to their room I found them all completely “butt naked” and playing with the poopy contents of their now removed diapers!

The odor took my breath away, but seemed to have no effect on any of them!  With one kid this is a yucky mess to clean up – but relatively simple.  You take the kid to the bathtub and thoroughly clean, then place them someplace safe and clean like a playpen perhaps.  Simple!  Piece of cake!  What do you do with THREE NAKED, POOP-COVERED, SMILING TODDLERS; WHO ARE ALL SEEING YOU AND COME RUNNING?

YOU CLOSE THE DOOR AND RUN FOR COVER!!!

But I could not leave them like that, now, could I? (inside I’m wondering “why not?”)  Now they are wailing pitifully at the other side of the door.  I wrap a towel around me and turn on the tap for the tub.  Fortunately, the bathroom door is directly across the hall from their bedroom door.  So we don’t have far to go!  Little kids love baths too!  They “should” all run excitedly straight for the tub!  Right?

WRONG!

With towel around me and another in hand, I open their door slowly.  They need time to back away and realize the door is opening.  First one out, hands covered in this stinky, sticky mess, grabs my leg below the towel just long enough to leave some yuck behind and runs down the hall! In a mad dash to grab him, the other two follow me and in a matter of seconds there are three very dirty and smelly tots running naked all around the house!

OK – quick – what to do?

Go turn off the tub water tap so we don’t have a flood too!

I’m there by myself with these three little ones who are now gleefully singing and jumping on the couch; where a load of freshly washed and dried and folded laundry was left when I went to check on their long nap!

You know what?

There is NO WAY… there isn’t … I’ve thought this through and through … it’s absolutely not possible for me, one mom, to wrangle all three kiddos into the tub safely!  Bathtime with triplets is never done solo!  You simply must always have another pair of hands – even if all they do is stand watch by the tub.  As long as they are capable of pulling a tot back above the water should he or she fall under, it’s enough help.

What was I thinking?

When I come to moments where I cannot think what to do and yet I know something must be done right then, I pray.  I firmly believe that God will never, ever give you more than you can bear; and when you feel like that’s the case that is the time when prayer can really work wonders!  So I stopped for a moment after turning off the water and I prayed!  I wasn’t even sure what I was praying for ~ speed? Agility? Strength? Power? How about wisdom?  There you go! Wisdom would help figure out what I needed! LOL  I prayed for it all.  I prayed that whatever I would do next would help me keep all three safe and sound and then give me the means to clean up the mess left in their wake!  When you’re a mom of triplet toddlers you pray several times a day!

Now I’m ready for battle!  Who cares about a little poop anyway?  Well, ok, a LOT of poop!  Ewww, sure, I don’t mind some poopy kids! LOL <sarcasm> I’ll just round them all up, poop in hand, in hair, on feet, and everywhere else; just like I round them up any other time I’m alone.  I grab one, and up on one hip she goes.  I grab another, and up on the other hip he goes.  Now for the wily one!  She’s giggling and hiding under the dining room table!

OK, let’s rethink this a bit… still keeping two poopy kids on my hips.  I could put these two in the tub and quickly come get this one.  No!  Not safe!  Not safe at all!  Especially with these kids!  Hmmm, I could put these two down, get the one under the table, and then go catch the first two again.  Then I’d get myself even more poopy than I already was!  Ewww!  The stink is really getting to me!  OK, now, think!  You’re a MOM!  You can outsmart these guys!

I’ve got it!

COOKIE!

I’ll get a cookie out… ok, three cookies.  Give them each a cookie; no, wait!  Give the two on my hips a cookie and the third one under the table will come to me!  She’ll want the cookie, because “they” have a cookie, so badly that she’ll follow me anywhere!  OH, but who wants to eat a cookie with poop on it?  Yeah, I forgot; they’ve already tasted their poop today and it’s not going to hurt them now to get a little more on a cookie, maybe! <oh, the things MOMs have to go thru!>  She’s following me!  Reaching for the cookie, she comes right into the bathroom and they all get put in the tub.

So what if the water is on the cool side now ~ it’s summer!  And who cares that their cookies end up mushy in the water and dissolve into the murky solution!  But getting them each completely clean wasn’t going to be easy!

We were still working on that when I heard the older kids and dad come home!  Never was I so happy to hear them!  Knowing them, however, my first response was, “WATCH YOUR STEP! And NOBODY’S LEAVING!!!”